Progress Notes
From Mosby’s Medical Dictionary, 9th edition:
progress notes
Notes made by healthcare professionals that describe condition and the treatment given or planned. They may include responses to prescribed treatments, the ability to perform activities of daily living, and acceptance or understanding of a particular condition or treatment.
22 December 1993
Routine check-up. Patient is nine years old and shares a bedroom with his younger brother at the top of the stairs in a vinyl-sided, two-story, suburban Cleveland home. Vision, hearing, and reflex tests all conclude he is a normal, selfish child.
The patient complains of having to go to bed in the summertime when the sun is still up and the frustrating inability to get what he wants immediately when he wants it. He appears to be unable to articulate what he would do with a pocketknife when questioned by his mother, though it is the only thing on his Christmas list. The patient reports of having recently learned Santa Claus isn’t real, but takes solace in the continued existence of Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy.
Physician administered two stickers and two candy canes — one for him and one to share with his brother.
20 December 2000
Patient is sixteen years old and has been brought in for examination by exasperated parents. The initial diagnosis is Hyper-Petulance and Aggressive Moodiness (HPAM) disorder, a common but nonetheless obnoxious condition. Patient’s parents have noted an excess of exaggerated eye-rolls, an unwillingness to express enthusiasm in any holiday activity, and declaring himself “so sick of everyone in this house.”
Parents also suspect the patient of discovering Christmas presents hidden in walk-in closet, going as far as to recruit the younger brother to keep a look-out while snooping. When confronted, patient showed no remorse.
If gone untreated, HPAM may result in a young adult prone to foreign films and obscure bands. A generally accepted course of treatment is recommended, including but not limited to the removal of all copies of Catcher in the Rye from the premises and forcibly making patient watch old home movies.
23 December 2010
Patient is twenty-seven years old, active duty military, lives alone in a studio apartment one block north of a fashionably rundown neighborhood in northeast Florida. Patient complains of ringing in his ears and feelings of lonesomeness while eating his first meal back from deployment.
Patient has self-administered the following treatment: writing (but not sending) long emails to college girlfriends; riding his bicycle to the beach at night; and falling repeatedly for waitresses along the First Coast.
Physician recommends: increased fluids; 800mg Motrin twice daily; limit uniformed brooding; watch Christmas episode of The Wonder Years (the one where Kevin works as a Chinese take-out delivery driver) and final scene from It’s a Wonderful Life; and one phone call to his brother on 25 December.
Status: Fit for full duty.
24 December 2015
Patient is thirty-one, recently discharged from military service, and has been admitted with an overdose of fraternal worry. Condition first reported yesterday on the interstate between Augusta, Georgia, and Winston-Salem, North Carolina, while driving in the rain to visit his younger brother hospitalized with a brain tumor.
Patient complains of decreased appetite despite prevalence of day-old catered food and stacks of holiday desserts around his brother’s hospital room. Other symptoms include inappropriate joking in the presence of unamused and overworked hospital staff; breaking down in the elevator; and numbly drinking wine, shirtless in nearby motel.
Physician prescribed and immediately delivered an emergency clap on the back and a stern reminder to stay strong. Suggested treatment plan going forward includes collapsing into girlfriend’s arms at top of airport escalator and promising patient’s mother to start going to church more often.
25 December 2016
Patient is thirty-two and lives in too-small apartment in a St. Louis suburb with his girlfriend and orange-brown rescue dog with freckled paws.
He complains of not taking time to realize how fortunate he is, how silly he feels for being sentimental during this holiday season. His symptoms include hugging his brother for just a hair longer than he normally would; wistfully watching his girlfriend and dog walk a few steps ahead of him at dusk, amid the Christmas lights flickering down a darkening street.
Commonly known as Having Found A Modicum of Peace With Oneself (HFAMOPWO), no treatment options currently exist. Nevertheless, physician recommends: more vegetables; lower sarcasm; less freaking out about the future. Full recovery from HFAMOPWO is rare. Physician opines, however, that patient, like most, will be just fine.
KYLE SEIBEL is a copywriter and veteran of the US Navy. Lives in Santa Barbara, California.